It is almost impossible to parody homebirth advocates because they are so busy parodying themselves.
Case in point, the latest masterpiece from Serge Bielanko, 5 Reasons I’m Excited About Our Home Birth.
You may remember Serge. He’s the guy who apparently thinks it’s simply hilarious that people are warning him about the increased rate of death and brain injury at homebirth.
What words of wisdom does Serge have for us this time? He shares his top 5 reasons for looking forward to his wife’s upcoming homebirth. Amazingly, meeting the baby isn’t on his list.
That’s not really surprising when you consider that homebirth isn’t about the baby and it isn’t even about birth. It’s about parents and their self-image. The baby might live, the baby might die, but that’s not what’s important. Serge and his wife want you to know that they are crunchy hipsters, daringly transgressive and oh, so, sexy.
The piece is howlingly funny, albeit unintentionally. What are the 5 things that Serge is looking forward to that give meaning to risking his baby’s life for nothing more important than bragging rights.
1. Anyway She Wants It: I love the fact that, after a long and arduous pregnancy, my wife, Monica, will be able to not only experience a natural labor unlike she experienced with the medically-induced births of our other two kids, but she’ll also be able to direct the show, so to speak.
Because, as we know, homebirth is a piece of performance art with the mother as the star and the baby as a prop.
2. The Vibe: Obviously, most hospitals will allow you to keep the blinds shut in the room when you’re in there to have a baby. And if you want them raised wide open, well, they’re typically OK with that, too. But beyond those kinds of things, you don’t always have the liberty to control the vibe in a hospital delivery room.
Is this fool for real? The vibe?
Candles, music, dark intimate rooms … man, the way we are looking at our home birth is such a turn-on that we could very possibly end up having another baby precisely nine months to the day after this one arrives, if you know what I’m saying.
Because, really, what woman wouldn’t want to have sex right after giving birth?
3. Less is More: … But, after two birth experiences in hospitals, I believe I can honestly say that the circus-like atmosphere that occurs in a lot delivery rooms can be a real turn-off, and maybe even an impediment, for a woman in labor. There is nothing peaceful or tranquil about it, really. There are people coming in and out all of the time, and the notion of being alone with your thoughts and your energy and the one or two people you love and trust and want to share the birth with, all of that is blown to bits by the constant barrage of monitoring nurses and physicians and other assorted absolute strangers.
Serge, let me tell you a secret. When your baby’s life is at risk, and it’s at risk in any birth, less may be NOT ENOUGH!
And you know what could really blow your thoughts and your energy to bits? Raising a brain injured child who can’t walk, talk and play like the other kids because you and your wife were more interested in your “thoughts and energy” than whether the baby’s brain got enough oxygen.
4. Connection: I’m sure it isn’t the first thing on anyone’s mind when they think about having a baby and all, but truth be told, the actual labor and arrival of a child into this world is a magnificent opportunity for the two people who created him or her to cash in on the kind of bonding that happens across the course of that special day, maybe even across just a few hours, but that perseveres and lasts for the rest of a lifetime.
Serge, this is obviously going to come as a major shock to you, but strong emotional bonds don’t require privacy. When my husband kissed me under the marriage canopy more than 30 years ago, our bond was immeasurably strengthened, not despite the presence of more than a hundred guests, but because we were celebrating our emotional bond in front of the world.
I’m must admit I am really beginning to feel sorry for homebirth advocates. They are so limited in their ability to bond with their own babies that something as trivial as having an epidural impacts their bonding. In contrast, I and most of the other parents I know have a bond of love with their children that is so strong that even our own deaths won’t break it.
5. Wine: Before you hasten to judge me on this one, let me just say two things.
First off, the wine is for me, the dad, a guy who seriously loves his kids and his wife and is ultra-excited to welcome a baby into this world in the same old and ancient way that he likes to welcome all sorts of good things into his life: with a glass or two of Rioja or Cabernet Sauvignon.
Secondly, if, by chance,you are the type of person who kind of steps back in horror at the mere mention or idea of someone sipping an adult beverage while a baby is being born, let me just say this much.
Go to the hospital.
That’s the way they do things over there; no mood lighting, no serenity, no intimacy, and no wine.
Oh, the horror!!
Serge, here’s a little unsolicited advice: GROW UP!
Giving birth is not about you, it’s about the baby.
Being the parent means putting the life (and brain function) of your child AHEAD of your immature fantasies of creating the perfect performance (and, apparently, having sex immediately thereafter). Get a grip! You’re not transgressive; you’re not hip; you’re not educated. You’re selfish and self-absorbed, boasting about acting like a fool.
And that’s a shame. You are about to participate in a wondrous event and the sad thing is that you are so busy worry about yourself, how you look, how you feel, whether or not everything is exactly to your liking that you can’t appreciated the miracle that is the BABY!
You remember the baby, right?
Or maybe you don’t.
