Hi folks! Pucker Carlson here, reporting on the so called ‘Zombie Apocalypse.’
Why the air quotes?
If you listened to the mainstream media and their hero Dr. Phony Fauci you’d think that hundreds of thousands of people throughout the country are shambling undead, and millions more have been harmed by them. But we here at Pox News know it’s all a hoax.
Those undead roaming our streets? They’re crisis actors!
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying that there are no undead roaming through our streets, attacking others. We’ve all seen them and some of us may even have been bitten … but the truth is that most of them are actually crisis actors.
And they’re really, really good actors! You have to be a good actor to so faithfully portray zombies by letting your skin rot and some of your limbs decompose to the point where they’ve fallen off. Is there any limit to what the libs will do to scare the rest of us?
Perhaps you have a few friends or family members who have become undead after being bitten by zombies. That’s hardly a cause for alarm! After all, 98% of people who come in contact with zombies do NOT become undead. Only the gutless would fear zombies with odds like that. That’s why we at Pox News recommend refusing to protect yourself from the zombies.
Dr. Phony Fauci keeps whining that we should do everything possible to avoid contact with zombies because that will reduce the risk of becoming zombies ourselves. Why should I avoid partying at a bar just because zombies are there waiting to bite me? It’s my right to let myself get bitten.
And forget about protective clothing that keeps them from biting us. I refuse to live in fear!
An anti-zombie vaccine?
Are you going to to let the government inject you? What about the side effects? Sure all of us here at Pox News got vaccinated but we will ALWAYS urge you to do what we say NOT what we do. We’d rather you become zombies yourself.
In fact I won’t do anything that the traitor Phony Fauci recommends. Why should I listen to him?
Just because he was right that quarantining reduces the risk of becoming a zombie?
Or because he was right that protective clothing saves people from becoming undead?
Or because his anti-zombie vaccine is 99% effective? If he’s so smart why isn’t it 100% effective?
Or because, just as he predicted, refusing to protect ourselves leads to zombie variants that are even more dangerous?
It’s going to take more than Phony Fauci being right 99% of the time to impress me. What about the 1% of the time he was wrong? Or worse, what about the fact that he changes his recommendations merely because of new scientific evidence? We here at Pox News never change our minds regardless of the evidence.
And we’re proud of it!
