Hi, there! It’s Ima Frawde, CPM (certified professional misogynist) here to describe the newest trend in marriage: natural wifing.
Now that natural childbirth, lactivism and attachment parenting have reduced women to the slaves of children under the guise of copying our foremothers, we feel it is time to crush any remaining independence of women with natural wifing. After all, that’s how domestic relationships have been conducted throughout most of human evolution.
Just as mothers exist only to do what’s best for babies, wives exist only to do what’s best for husbands.
How do we define natural wifing? It has three major components:
1. Husband-led Sex
Shocked? You shouldn’t be. Nature designed women to serve as sex objects and for the sexual comfort of men. Ladies: no matter when he wants it, where he wants it, and how he wants it, you OWE him sex. His health depends upon it! Studies show that sex has a myriad of health benefits and it would be lazy and selfish of you to deprive your husband of those benefits.
Are you ever allowed to say no to your husband’s demands for sex? Sure you can say it, but he knows you really want it. Natural wives are empowered by assault, just like our ancient foremothers.
Birth control — a form of patriarchal technology, every bit as dangerous as epidurals — is not allowed. Since the evolutionarily fittest males are those with the most offspring, women should be impregnated as often as possible. Contraception of any kind would interfere with a man’s biological imperative.
Moreover, we know that authentic women are empowered by repetitive pregnancies. And don’t forget the health benefits to you! Just think of how many pesky menstrual periods you will avoid.
2. No work outside the home and no technology within it.
Natural wifing is “green” and therefore incompatible with modern appliances that deprive women of the authentic experiences of using their body parts to serve their husbands. Hands can be used to grind the flour, knead the bread and otherwise prepare meals. Feet can be used to pound the clothes while washing them in a local stream or pond and for crushing the grapes used in homemade wine.
Yes, it’s true that natural wifing involves painful, exhausting, back breaking labor, but as in the case of childbirth: women who abolish the pain have husbands who may fail to bond to them. Natural wives know that the pain of domestic drudgery is empowering!
As a bonus, natural wifing means that you and your family will be completely prepared to survive a nuclear apocalypse in exactly the same way as homebirth advocates and lactivists are!
Natural wives are not literally restricted to the inside of the home. They are free to search for nuts and berries for example as long as they baby-wear their infants while doing it. But no woman is allowed to go on a hunt, protect the tribe from attack, fabricate tools or create art. Those are male pursuits and any woman who wants to participate is unnatural by definition.
Therefore, there’s no need to educate female children beyond the rudiments of reading and basic arithmetic since they should never work outside the home and their talents should be surpressed or at least deeply discouraged.
3. Animals serve as role models for domestic relationships.
The goal of natural childbirth and breastfeeding is to copy animal mothering as closely as possible, so the goal of natural wifing should be to copy animal relationships as closely as possible. Obviously, a natural wife is part of a harem. Throughout the animal kingdom, alpha males maintain harems of females whom they impregnate on a regular basis. The males are free to mate with as many females as possible, while the females are restricted to the alpha male. Should she stray, she can be beaten and her children by another male can be killed.
Male primary relationships are with other males. Husband doesn’t spend time at home with you and he ignores your children? Why should he do otherwise? Do male bears, lions and gorillas engage in domestic chores? No, they do not! Do they care for offspring? No, again. Natural wives know better than to expect men to behave any differently from animals.
Do these three principles leave natural wifing advocates open to charges of misogyny? No more and no less than natural mothering. Furthermore, we embrace the charge. Misogyny is a fundamental principle within the animal kingdom and we are all about using animals as our role models.
Toward that end we plan to humiliate and shame any wives who refuse to follow the principles of natural wifing. Just as mothers exist only to do what’s best for babies, wives exist only to do what’s best for husbands. That’s why the Husband Friendly Hospital Initiative — designed to support women in simultaneously practicing natural mothering and natural wifing — is coming to a maternity facility near you!
