I’m going into the birth keeper business!
I’ve decided to start my own school for homebirth and freebirth. I’m concerned that birth has strayed far from what nature intended and part of the reason is that women have forgotten the deeply spiritual aspects of birth. Dr. Amy’s College of Raw, Orgasmic, Totally Crunchy Homebirth (CROTCH) promises to train a new generation of birth workers with greater respect for the animal process of birth than most freebirth advocates do.
[pullquote align=”right” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]The birth keeper holds the space in the mother’s bank account previously held by her money.[/pullquote]
The motto at Dr. Amy’s CROTCH is nothing so banal as “trust birth.” Our motto is “Worship Birth … or your baby will get autism” and we do that by faithfully imitating the other members of the animal kingdom.
In the first place, the term “homebirth” merely represents the fact that it takes place outside the hospital. Obviously it does not take place at home. Our animal sisters give birth in dens and under dense foliage; therefore, a CROTCH birth takes place in a burrow excavated from dirt by the mother in the days leading up to the birth.
In addition:
At CROTCH, we teach that birth is not simply orgasmic; it is multi-orgasmic. Study of the female orgasm demonstrates that it is typically accompanied by uterine contractions. Therefore, it only stands to reason that birth as nature intended involves an orgasm with every contraction. We feel sorry for those women who merely have an orgasm at the moment of birth. If they had truly worshiped birth, they would have had hundreds of orgasms.
Obviously, clothes are not natural. In addition to prohibiting hats or clothing of any kind on babies, we at CROTCH impress upon midwives, doulas and other birth workers the need for THEM to be naked at birth. Clothes interfere with their healing auras.
Privacy, of course, is critical. That’s why the mother must be unattended in her burrow. The naked midwife/doula/birth keeper and the mother’s naked partner must always remain downwind of the birthing mother to prevent her labor from stalling by interference with birthy smells. They cannot approach any closer than 100 yards, regardless of how much the mother screams and begs.
If the birth keeper can’t approach the mother, how can she monitor the labor? She can’t, and she shouldn’t. Monitoring and vaginal exams are evil. They are based on the hegemonic, patriarchal medical model of birth that presumes all mothers and babies have a right to live. Any birth worker with even minimal training knows that some babies aren’t meant to live and that mothers die in the hospital, too.
Prenatal care is totally unnecessary. Do animals have prenatal care? No, they don’t, and if prenatal care were necessary, they wouldn’t be here now.
The moments after birth are critical for the mother and baby to imprint upon each other. That’s why at CROTCH we teach birth keepers that mothers must lick their babies clean, and birth keepers must lick the mother’s perineum clean (unless, of course, she is a contortionist and she can lick her own perineum).
The cord must not be severed. The placenta must be left attached until the cord starts to shrivel. Then the mother must eat the entire placenta and cord just like the Khaleesi in Game of Thrones ate the horse heart. At CROTCH we recognize that dehydrating and encapsulating the placenta destroys the very hormones that prevent postpartum depression. All those placenta encapsulation specialists are pathologizing the placenta and stealing the money of unwitting mothers for doing so.
Immediately after birth, the mother must place the baby at her breast … and leave it there for the next 7 years.
At CROTCH we also recognize that not all babies were meant to live. It’s the birth performance that counts, not the baby. And to faithfully recapitulate birth in the animal kingdom, we suggest that the mother eat her young if they do not survive.
At CROTCH, we know that the key to an empowering, spiritual birth is the Holy Trinity. No, not the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, silly; the Mother, the Baby, and the Birth Keeper, or as we prefer to call it: the motherbabybirthkeeper triad. The mother’s body nurtures the baby; the baby knows how to be born; and the birth keeper holds the space in the mother’s bank account previously held by her money.
The best part is that CROTCH is totally free for a one time, non-refundable admission fee of $699 payable in 12 monthly installments of only $99. It’s a bargain at twice the price!
Look for Dr. Amy’s CROTCH, coming to a website near you, and prepare for an empowering birth (raw, orgasmic and totally crunchy) just as nature intended!
Adapted from a satire that first appeared in July 2013.
