“You’d look so beautiful if you just lost the extra weight!”
“I admire your confidence for being willing to wear that!”
“Is that your wedding picture? The frame is amazing!”
Those are the kind of passive-aggressive “compliments” that you get from frenemies, the women who insist they are your friends but never miss a chance to undermine you. They aren’t really friends, but rather rivals who cloak their rivalry under the guise of friendship.
[pullquote align=”right” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]Frenemommy is a vampire of self-esteem; she can only get hers by sucking out yours.[/pullquote]
But if you think a frenemy can be harmful to your self-esteem, just wait! One day she will have children and then she will be a frenemommy. No enemy can be as soul destroying as a frenemommy. They are everywhere and it’s not an exaggeration to say that they are destroying the experience new motherhood. So many good mothers feel so bad and frenemommies are the reason.
Becoming a mother is a simultaneously entrancing and frightening experience. You are overwhelmed with love for your impossibly beautiful newborn and frightened to death that you might harm him or her by accident or by ignorance. You are incredibly vulnerable … and along comes Frenemommy.
Frenemommy says:
“Hey, it’s still a vaginal birth even if you did have the epidural!”
And the amazing experience that had your husband looking at you as if you were a goddess is suddenly diminished.
“Your daughter is so smart for a formula fed baby!”
And your pride in your daughter is tainted by guilt that you short-changed her.
“How wonderful that your baby recognizes his mama even though you spend so much time at work!”
And your hard won confidence that you were successfully transitioning back to the job you love is blasted to smithereens.
Frenemommies aren’t just restricted to the people whom you know personally. There are professional frenemommies who write books on childbirth, breastfeeding and attachment parenting, offer their advice for free on blogs and websites, and diligently patrol Twitter and Facebook, gathering followers, belittling anyone who makes different choices, and wallowing in outrage at perceived slights. Sadly, many midwives, doulas and lactation consultants are also professional frenemommies. Under the guise of “helping” you, they undermine your self-esteem at every turn.
Why? Because Frenemommy considers you a threat and won’t feel comfortable until you are docilely occupying the place she assigns for rivals: in awe of her achievements and in doubt about your own. Frenemommy is fundamentally insecure. She is like a vampire of self-esteem; she can only get hers by sucking out yours.
Every mother needs mom friends, old friends who have become mothers like her or new friends made through her children. Most women find mom friends invaluable; they’re the women with whom you can share your child’s every milestone, your deepest concerns about your child’s wellbeing and your fears about your adequacy as a mother. Your mom friends have either been there/done that and can provide reassurance that your children will turn out fine or they are at the same stage you are, worrying about the same things, simultaneously seeking and giving reassurance.
Mom friends revel in your birth stories whether they mirror theirs or not. Mom friends couldn’t care less whether you breastfeed or formula feed, just whether your baby is thriving and you are getting enough sleep. A mom friends drops by with her kids to hold your colicky baby while you make dinner for your older kids and calls you at 6 AM with a migraine knowing you’ll take her kids for the day so she can rest and recover. Mom friends freely offer love and support and you gladly give love and support in return.
How can you tell the difference between a mom friend and a frenemommy?
1. A mom friend makes you feel good when you were feeling bad; a frenemommy makes you feel bad when you were feeling good.
A mom friend is thrilled that you got relief from your epidural; a frenemommy “sympathizes” with you over the loss of your natural birth.
2. A mom friend looks at things from your perspective; a frenemommy looks at everything from her perspective.
A mom friend anxiously waits to hear if you got a good night’s sleep after topping off your baby with a few ounces of formula after breastfeeding; a frenemommy “supports” you in pumping 3 times in the middle of the night instead.
3. A mom friend encourages you to take time for yourself and if she’s an especially good friend, she watches your baby so you can do it. A frenemommy insists she’s envious that your baby survived an evening with a babysitter; her baby is too attached to get along without her even for a few hours.
4. A friendly parenting professional asks how she can help you achieve your goals; a professional frenemommy tells you how you can mirror hers.
A friendly lactation consultant knows its more important to supplement a hungry baby with formula than to risk dehydration and failure to thrive. A frenemommy lactation consultant insists that your pediatrician is wrong when he advises supplementation.
5. A mom friend supports you; a frenemommy gaslights you when you question her “support.”
A frenemommy tells you that your excruciating birth wasn’t painful and then further gaslights you by insisting that you merely thought it was painful because you were afraid. A frenemommy tells you insufficient breastmilk is rare then gaslights you about your baby’s hospitalization for dehydration arguing it wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t tricked by formula companies. A frenemommy insists that you don’t have to feel bad about your “failures” because it wasn’t really your fault; you didn’t get enough “support.”
How can you protect yourself from frenemommies? First you must recognize them, and then you need to understand their motivations. But the most important thing by far is to ignore them. Like frenemies of all kinds, they aren’t your friends no matter how hard they pretend they are.
