Hi, folks! It’s Ima Frawde, CPM (counterfeit professional midwife) here with a retelling of that favorite children’s story, The Three Little Pigs.
I and my colleagues have performed a hermeneutical analysis of the story and uncovered role of the hegemonic patriarchy within. We’ve rewritten the story to more closely reflect our values.
[pullquote align=”right” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]Wolves are natural so there was no reason for the pigs to fear.[/pullquote]
Without further ado:
Once upon a time there were three little pregnant pigs.
One pig planned a homebirth in her straw house while the second pig planned a birth at the birth center made of wooden sticks. Their midwives came to them for home visits that lasted an hour, they avoided all those unnecessary medical tests, and then they sang and danced all day. Regrettably, the third little pig, having failed to do her research and educate herself, planned to give birth in a brick hospital.
A big wolf saw the two little pigs while they danced and played. No worries: wolves are natural so there was no reason for the pigs to fear. Sadly, many pigs have been socially conditioned by the patriarchal, hegemonic farmers to fear wolves. But these pigs, having educated themselves reasoned that if wolves ate pigs, they wouldn’t be there, all their ancestors having been gobbled up by wolves. They were still here, ergo there was no reason to fear wolves.
But just in case, their midwives taught them wolf affirmations to better trust wolves.
Coincidentally, all three pigs went into labor on the same day. They weren’t due on the same day, but due dates don’t really mean anything (just another way for farmers to frighten pigs), so it didn’t matter that the first pig was 3 weeks past her due date and the second pig was five weeks before hers.
The big wolf went to the first house and huffed and puffed. The first pig became frightened.
“What will happen if the wolf blows down my straw house?” she wailed.
Her midwife reassured her. “There’s no reason to be frightened of wolves. Even if he blows your house down, the hospital is only 10 minutes away.”
The wolf huffed and puffed and blew the straw house down, just as the first little pig was about to give birth. Everyone piled into the midwife’s car, which wouldn’t start. Fortunately, the midwife had an oxygen mask with her, just like the hospital does; unfortunately, the tank to which it was attached was empty. The midwife had been meaning to get a new oxygen tank but couldn’t because of her car trouble.
By the time the midwife had hot wired her car and driven 30 minutes to the hospital (there was traffic so it took longer than anticipated), the piglet had been born vaginally. It was dead, but that didn’t change the first little pig’s feeling of empowerment.
Meanwhile, the big wolf went to the second pig’s birth center that was made from sticks. He huffed and he puffed.
“What will happen if the wolf blows down my birth center made of sticks?” the second pig wailed.
Her midwife reassured her. “There’s no reason to be frightened of wolves. Even if he blows your house down, the hospital is only 10 minutes away.”
The wolf huffed and puffed and blew the stick birth center down, just as the second little pig was about to give birth. Her midwife had no car, so they called for an ambulance. In the meantime the piglet’s umbilical cord had prolapsed. By the time the ambulance arrived the piglet had been born vaginally but had not drawn a breath in 10 minutes. The piglet was transported to the hospital and placed on total body cooling treatments. Sadly the piglet died, but at least the mother was nearby on another floor in the hospital recovering from her massive postpartum hemorrhage. She posted on Facebook to tell her friends that she had had a successful vaginal birth.
Finally, the wolf arrived at the brick hospital where the third pig was in labor.
“Should I be worried the wolf will blow the hospital down?” the pig asked.
“That can’t happen,” she was reassured. “We’ve undertaken many interventions to prepare for exactly this scenario. The brick is just a facade for the hospital’s steel reinforced superstructure, the windows have been wolf-proofed, and in the unlikely event that the wolf breaks in we are prepared to cut him into pieces with a scalpel (a W-section).
The wolf huffed and puffed for hours trying to blow down the brick hospital with the steel reinforced superstructure, but he could not. Ultimately he went away. In the meantime, the third little pig had given birth to a healthy piglet.
What did everyone learn from their experience?
The third pig was happy and grateful that she had given birth to a healthy piglet in the hospital. The other two pigs were already planning for their healing second births. This time, though, there would be no attendant and they would both give birth at home. They were happy to have had vaginal births, but sad that their piglets had died. Surely they hadn’t trusted wolves enough. This time they would really trust wolves so they were building their new houses out of tissue paper!
