Startling finding announced in prestigious journal
by Gull E. Bull
Scientists have made an astonishing discovery about the cause of pregnancy. According to the study, published in the widely read journal JCS (Journal of Crap Science), researchers have discovered a remarkable and powerful association between maternity clothes and pregnancy raising the possibility that maternity clothes cause pregnancy. Lead author Publish R. Parrish explains that this remarkable association was found in a variety of different investigations.
1. Nearly all women wearing maternity clothes are pregnant (correlation coefficient 0.95) indicating a near perfect relationship between maternity clothes and pregnancy.
2. There is a startling association between the number of stores selling maternity clothes and the overall fertility rate (p<0.01).
3. The odds ratio for pregnancy for a woman wearing maternity clothes as opposed to non-maternity clothes, is very high (RR 35.7). For non-pregnant women, the number wearing maternity clothes drops off in a linear fashion from the day after delivery to approximately 6 weeks postpartum.
According to Dr. Parrish:
“The findings in this study are even stronger than the study touting an association between induction and autism. We believe that our study deserves far more attention because the association is much clearer and even more robust.”
Asked if it were possible that the investigators had misinterpreted their findings, confusing the fact that pregnancy causes women to wear maternity clothes and not the other way around, Dr. Parrish acknowledged the need for further research. He admitted that correlation is not causation but pointed out that if the mainstream media could make such a fuss about crap research showing an association between induction and autism, his work should be able to get even more attention.
As Dr. Parrish noted:
“We aren’t really concerned with what is true, but rather what can be published and publicized. The more sensational the results, the better. Why wait to reproduce results when you can submit crap to any journal, get it published and get it publicized in the newspapers? It’s not like anyone is really checking the accuracy of our findings or the plausibility of our conclusions, right?”
Indeed, Dr. Parrish admits that he has no intention of further research in this area. He is eager to move on to his next project: C-sections for macrosomia cause babies to grow larger.
This piece, which previously appeared in August 2013, is satire.
