Hi, folks! Jack Daniels here, spokesperson for CPRDD, the Committee to Promote Responsible Drunk Driving.
I’m sure you’ve seen newspaper accounts of horrific crashes that happened after someone drove drunk, but I’m here to tell you that just because a person died or killed someone else while driving drunk, does NOT mean that drunk driving led to those deaths.
Surprised? I’ll bet you are. But that’s because you’ve been subjected to the blandishments of Big Medicine working tirelessly to marginalize the role of alcohol in treating medical ailments. For hundreds of years surgery, from amputations to tumor removals, was performed with alcohol as the only anesthetic. Then along came doctors who could not tolerate the economic competition and marginalized medicinal use of alcohol just to protect their own incomes.
How do we know that drunk driving is a safe and responsible choice? There are many reasons, but before I list them, I want to give thanks to my colleague Ima Frawde, CPM (certified professional midwife), the grandmother of American homebirth. Ima and her colleagues have come up with these fabulous arguments and I’ve simply adapted them for drunk driving.
1. Sober drivers die, too.
If you listen to those shills from Big Medicine, you’d think that no one sober ever dies in a car accident. Sure some drunk drivers are killed or kill others, but that hardly means that driving sober can guarantee that you will live. Ice is a major cause of car accidents; fog is another, but no one tries to demonize ice or fog the way that they demonize drunk driving.
2. Over 99% of drunk drivers will make it home without killing themselves or others.
Sure, you see reports of spectacular drunk driving accidents blaring from newspapers and TV, but those are the rare cases. As the many, many people who have successfully driven drunk can tell you, most drunk drivers will arrive home safely.
3. You are safest when you feel safest!
Just like homebirth is safe if you feel that it is safe, drunk driving is safe if you feel that it is safe. In fact, there’s an argument to be made that drunk drivers who do die or kill others simply weren’t trusting drunk driving enough.
4. Drunk drivers bring exactly the same skills and equipment to driving drunk as they do to driving sober.
Drunk drivers have access to the SAME brakes, gas pedal and wheel that sober drivers do. While drunk, they can perform EXACTLY the same maneuvers that they perform while driving sober.
5. Drunk drivers are responsible for their own health.
Who is the government or Big Medicine to tell me that I can’t care for myself in the way that I think is best? Making drunk driving illegal is the first step toward world domination by jack booted thugs who will implant us all with data chips to control our minds.
6. Drunk driving is empowering.
Those who have done it will tell you that driving drunk only increases the pleasure that you get from driving.
7. God is my co-pilot
Nothing happens that God does not intend should happen. If He wants a drunk driver to arrive home safely, it will happen. If the drunk driver dies or killed someone that surely means that God intended those deaths.
8. Some drivers aren’t meant to live.
Obviously!
There you have it, folks. These are just 8 of many reasons why drunk driving is safe. The next time you’re thinking about drinking and driving, remember, if those arguments are good enough to promote homebirth, they’re good enough to promote anything.
