If only I hadn’t said that.
If only she hadn’t looked at the waiter like that.
If only I hadn’t worn the dress that I know he doesn’t like.
If only she had had my dinner ready the minute I walked through the door.
If only I hadn’t disagreed with him.
Among the most tragic aspects of domestic violence are the victim blaming and the self-blame of victims.
It often appears that both victims and perpetrators of domestic violence have an idealized image of how partners in a relationship ought to behave and an overriding belief that they would have that idealized relationship if only the victim behaved better. Curiously, neither the victim nor the perpetrator blame the person who is actually responsible, the man who is perpetrating the abuse. Sadly the victim and the perpetrator may be inextricably tied to each other by sharing the same deep seated belief: their relationship would be ideal if only the victim had done what she was supposed to do.
I have begun to wonder if the relationship between women and the philosophies of natural childbirth and lactivism is also held together by the guilt, shame and self-blame that characterize domestic abuse.
Let me be very clear: I am NOT equating the philosophies of natural childbirth and lactivism with the soul destroying, bone shattering violence of partner abuse. I am raising the possibility that women stick with natural childbirth and lactivism because victim blaming, shame and guilt are as integral to these philosophies as they are to domestic violence.
The philosophies of natural childbirth and lactivism are harmful to the majority of women. The pain of childbirth is excruciating, the risk of death or injury during childbirth is high, and the interventions of modern obstetrics have saved countless lives and relieved an unimaginable amount of suffering. Those facts are immutable and yet they are denied by the philosophy of natural childbirth which claims that the pain of childbirth is women’s heads, that birth is inherently safe and that the interventions of modern obstetrics hurt women and babies. So why do women cling to a philosophy that fails them?
Because of guilt, shame and self-blame.
How many women plan for an unmedicated vaginal birth without interventions and end up requesting an epidural, needing interventions and requiring a C-section? Apparently the overwhelming majority of women will want or need one, two or all three of these. Yet when they don’t “achieve” the natural childbirth ideal of birth, they don’t question whether the ideal was appropriate, they question what they did wrong.
If only I had trusted birth more.
If only I hadn’t agree to the epidural when asked.
If only I hadn’t agreed to the induction just because I was 42 weeks pregnant.
If only my body didn’t fail me.
Guilt, shame and self-blame.
The philosophy of lactivism, that all infants should be breastfed exclusively, is hardly any better. Some women don’t produce enough milk, many women have excruciating nipple pain while nursing and some women simply find formula feeding safe, convenient and appealing. Those facts are immutable and yet they are denied by the philosophy of lactivism which claims that low milk supply almost never happens, that breastfeeding is painless when “done right” and that formula is harmful to babies. So why do women cling to a philosophy that fails them?
Because of guilt, shame and self-blame.
How many women plan to exclusively breastfeed for 6 months to a year and end up supplementing or exclusively formula feeding? Apparently the overwhelming majority of women will stop breastfeeding within days or weeks of leaving the hospital. Yet when they don’t “achieve” the lactivist ideal of exclusive breastfeeding, they don’t question whether the ideal was appropriate, they question what they did wrong.
If only I hadn’t had a C-section my baby would have been more skilled at breastfeeding.
If only I hadn’t had an epidural I would be making enough milk.
If only the hospital hadn’t give me the formula samples to take home, I would have let the baby scream with hunger instead of giving in and feeding him.
If only society were more supportive of breastfeeding, I would have kept at it longer.
Guilt, shame and self-blame.
There’s no doubt that the philosophies of natural childbirth and lactivism are good … for the industries and paraprofessionals who profit from them. It’s not clear that they are good for women or for babies. The science doesn’t support the exaggerated claims of benefits. The suffering from childbirth pain and breastfeeding pain (not to mention the hunger of babies not receiving adequate food) is extraordinary. And refusing the interventions of modern obstetrics or the use of formula can and does lead to injury and death.
But just like the victims of domestic violence blame themselves instead of the person who is abusing them, the victims of the philosophies of natural childbirth and lactivism blame themselves for their own suffering.
It is time to recognize the philosophies of natural childbirth and lactivism for what they are: retrograde, sexist, unscientific and …
… abusive.
