Hi, folks, Ima Frawde, CPM here with my latest product for empowered mamas, the automated birth story generator app.
You can download it from the app store for the low, low price of 4 separate payments of $95 each. Once you download the app, you need to activate it by sending us a copy of the baby’s birth certificate signed by a CPM or a family member, with a sworn affidavit attesting to the fact that you fulfilled our requirements: a vaginal birth, no pain medication, a fecally contaminated birth pool, and eating at least one full meal during labor. Don’t worry, though, it doesn’t matter whether the baby lived or died.
Once we review your affidavit, we will instantly email you the code to unlock the app. If your birth doesn’t meet our guidelines, we won’t send you the code. Sorry, no refunds; you will still owe the 4 separate payments of the low, low price of $95 each.
The app is fantastic. Mama, now there’s no need to interrupt the tandem breastfeeding of your newborn, your toddler and your middle-schooler during your babymoon to labor over (get it? labor over?) the 15 page birth story that you can upload immediately to Mothering.com. Just fill in the blanks and we do the work for you.
Choose from several options including: the healing HBAC after 12 C-sections, the 45 week pregnancy, the homebirth of breech Siamese triplets and many other variations of normal.
Here are some excerpts of an actual birth story generated by the new app highlighting some of its most important features.
1. The opening paragraph immediately places the focus of the birth story right where you want it, on the baby yourself:
The birth story of my precious daughter Areola Anigav (that’s vagina spelled backwards) begins 3 years ago when I had a completely unnecessary C-section birth rape for my son Whatshisname. I don’t call it a birth because he was ripped from my body after 4 days of labor including 11 hours of pushing. I never gave him an actual name because if he didn’t have a real birth, he isn’t a real baby.
How did it happen that my hopes for a homebirth were torn to shreds and my spirit and body were mutilated? In a moment of weakness, I gave in to the pleas of my sniveling DH that we transfer to the hospital. Sure enough, as could have been predicted, the doctors birth rapists promptly recommended a C-section for no better reason than the fact that Whatshisname was lying sideways in my uterus, presenting shoulder first. They said he was in an undeliverable position, but having educated myself in the interim I now realize that it was the baby’s fault for not knowing how to be born.
2. A contraction by contraction description of your labor:
In contrast to my labor with Whatshisname, I had no pain at all during the birth of my precious Areola Anigav. Yes, I was screaming myself hoarse with every contraction rush, but those were blood curdling screams of joy.
3. A special section for recounting the 911 call, the NICU stay and the use of the latest technology including head cooling to reduce brain damage from lack of oxygen:
I birthed Areaola Anigav into a kiddie pool of bloody water strewn with flowers. How bloody was the water? When it was over the birth pool had a higher hematocrit than I did.
Areaola Anigav arrived earthside so peacefully. She never screamed. She never cried. She never even opened her eyes. My midwife was awesome. She didn’t panic just because Areola wasn’t breathing. She knew that if you don’t cut the cord, the baby continues to get oxygen from the placenta for up to 3 days. It was my DH who made the 911 call that filled the house with EMTs 15 minutes later. The EMTs bowled over my awesome midwife who was trying to stop them from cutting the cord. They resuscitated Areola and transferred her to the hospital.
4. A closing paragraph that allows you to summarize what your baby did for you.
I don’t consider my homebirth a failure just because Areola Anigav did not survive. Areola gave me the ultimate gift. Her birth taught me that my body is not broken and that trusting birth is all it takes to attain the highest human achievement of all, a baby passing through your vagina. My precious Areola Anigav knew how to be born. I do feel a little sad that she didn’t know how to breathe, but perhaps the next baby will be smarter. Newly empowered, I look forward to having another homebirth to provide a little brother or sister for Whatshishame, even though he doesn’t deserve any gifts from me.
The app has many more features, too numerous to list here.
The Ima Frawde, CPM Birth Story Generator is available in the app store. Download it today!
