Homebirth, and natural childbirth advocates insist that “Peace on Earth Begins With Birth.”
That’s not what my research shows. I’ve discovered an astounding fact about natural childbirth and attachment parenting: both are risk factors for tyranny, mass murder and a variety of other ills.
Consider:
Of history’s greatest tyrants, men such as Hitler, Torquemada, Henry VIII, Attila the Hun, etc., nearly all were born vaginally. The only potential exception is Julius Caesar, reputedly born by way of the eponymous Caesarean section.
Almost all of history’s greatest tyrants were breastfed … exclusively.
The long term effect of giving birth without pain medication is dreadful. 100% of the children born to women who gave birth before the advent of anesthesia in the mid-nineteenth century are now dead.
Vaginal birth is a risk factor for Communism: Marx, Engels, Lenin, and Stalin were all born vaginally.
Breastfeeding is a risk factor for plague. Nearly 100% of people who died of the Black Death were breastfed.
Attachment parenting played a major role in imperialist expansion in the US. Fully 100% of the invaders who displaced the Native American population of this continent were born vaginally. Moreover, fully 100% of the Native Americans who were unable to resist the advent of the invaders were breastfed.
Breastfeeding is a risk factor for violent behavior. Almost all Viking marauders were breastfed.
Nearly all slave-holding Americans, plantation owners and the entire Confederate army were born vaginally.
Not a single Crusader was born to a woman who had an epidural in labor.
Vaginal birth is a risk factor for anti-social behavior. Roman emperors Caligula and Nero, as well as Jack the Ripper and Lizzie Borden (who committed patricide AND matricide) were born vaginally.
Breastfeeding leads to transmission of disease. Typhoid Mary was breastfed.
Hospital birth promotes technological progress. Desk top computers, iPhones, Skype and Twitter did not exist until the proportion of US births occurring in hospitals rose above 90%.
What is the cause behind these incontrovertible facts?
First, we’ve known for centuries that deep seated prejudice is “imbibed with mother’s milk.” I’ve never heard of anyone imbibing hatred with Similac, so the obvious solution is to promote formula feeding.
Second, as Dr. Michel Odent has insisted, oxytocin is the love hormone and some women clearly don’t have enough love. The solution is oxytocin supplements. Fortunately, pitocin has the exact same chemical composition of oxytocin, so it seems clear that, to be on the safe side, all labors should be induced or augmented with pitocin.
Finally, epidurals ought to be mandatory in labor. The mothers of the greatest tyrants in history gave birth without pain relief and look what happened as a result.
It’s time to acknowledge that “Peace on Earth begins with Interventions in Birth!”
This piece is (obviously) satire.
