For its fall project, Ms. Taylor’s pre-school class decided to tackle healthcare reform. According to Ms. Taylor, who has taught the Teddy Bear class of three-year olds for the past 20 years, “Instead of drawing autumn leaves and learning the ABC’s, I wanted to try something new this year. And since every American thinks no actual knowledge is necessary to have an opinion on healthcare reform, I thought my three-year olds ought to give it a try.”
Ms. Taylor continued, “You might think that three-year olds would have trouble with a topic like this, but they understood it right away. They were especially talented at issue spotting.” Consider:
No sooner had the dimensions of the problem been explained than little Michelle Bachman, a pert toddler with adorable brown curls, exclaimed, “My healthcare is the bestest healthcare in the world. Everyone else’s healthcare is ugly, ugly, ugly. Only mine is pretty, and it’s mine, all mine.”
Following up on that theme, Rush, a sturdy little boy who spoke while simultaneously knockiing down the building block castle of another child, declared, “I’m not going to share my healthcare with anyone and no one can make me.”
Several children agreed with this sentiment. As little Glen Beck explained, “My mommy says nice boys share, but when I’m holding a toy, it’s mine and I’m not gonna share it. The teacher has to pry it from my cold, sticky hands to let anyone else have a chance. I’m not sharing my healthcare, either.”
There was a bit of a commotion when Ms. Taylor explained to the class that healthcare isn’t free and everyone would need to contribute to making healthcare work. Anne Coulter began to whine, “I don’t want to be a helper. I’m tired. Everyone else should help but not me and my friends. We’re too busy doing other stuff.”
In fact, there was universal agreement on this point. Every child thought that the other children should be helpers, but not them. Being a helper is boring, and that’s not fair.
Suddenly Sarah Palin began to cry. “If I share my healthcare with other kids, they’ll come to my house and take away my toys and my food. And then they’re going to hold playdates without me and plan to kill me.”
When Ms. Taylor tried to explain that no one was going to steal her toys and food, and no one would plot her death, Sarah refused to be consoled.
“No, no, no, they will try to kill me. They’ll hold special playdates to plan it and I won’t be invited. Theyll call them ‘death playdates’.”
When Ms. Taylor tried to explain that some children had no healthcare at all, Dickie Cheney became defiant. “Tough noogies for them. I’m not going to share and you can’t make me.”
Maxie Baucus summed it up best:
“I want the prettiest healthcare in the world, and I don’t want anyone else to have pretty healtchare. It’s not fair if I have to share my pretty healthcare and it’s not fair if I have to do anything to earn it.”
Ms. Taylor proudly reflected on her students’ precociousness. “People often underestimate pre-schoolers” she said. “They think the children are immature, self absorbed and selfish, but I think we’ve proven them wrong today. They exhibited an understanding of healthcare worthy of any member of the GOP.”
Ms. Taylor continued happily:
“We’re planning a field trip next week to our Congressman’s local town meeting. I’m sure others who oppose healthcare reform will welcome the children’s insights.”
